Dear Kukka: Please Remind Me

The last couple of days I’ve been contemplating about what kind of a mother I want to be for you, my dear child. The best answer I could come up with so far is... Well... The best kind, naturally. But how? 

By being your best friend? By being your “boss”? By giving you the ultimate freedom to choose? By putting restrictions wherever danger could possibly occur? By telling you about absolutely everything? Or by protecting you with lies? 

I am very aware that every angle has its consequences. I realize there will always be someone, something, somewhere, somehow that can hurt you. After all, I can’t protect you from...life. But I’m willing to try as hard as I can. And these are the things I can do and have come up so far:

I will never underestimate your feelings nor your intelligence in figuring out things about your personal life and ours.

I will never force you to do the things that I myself can't or won't do. 

I will be truthful to you and will never answer your questions with lies. 

White lies, black lies. No. No lies. 

I will warn you about the evil people and reveal the persons whom you can trust. 

I will respect you, as my only child and as an independent person. 

I will let you decide how you want to live your life. 

I will always show and remind you the right path to choose, Allah’s path. 

I will always try to put myself in your shoes, at that time and in the future. 

I will always make sure you realize, remember and apologize for all the mistakes you make. Big and small. To yourself and others. 

I will always praise you for all the right things you will say and do. 

I will accept and apologize when you tell me that I skip a thing or two which are stated in this list. Intentionally or accidentally.

I promise that we can always talk to each other, 

with minimum judgement and maximum understanding. 

About everything.

Most importantly I will always tell you how much I love you. 

And how much Allah SWT. loves you even more. 

Always. 

The Truth Is...

....... 

Quite painfully funny, actually. 

You know... You always have this feeling that something is wrong and then one day you find out exactly what it is... And then you get furious. But strangely at the same time you kind of feel relieved too. Because you also know that the wrong has a big part in making everything right at the end. So the wrong has become some sort of a justification about everything you have fucked up in the past. That’s when you begin to accept the wrong. Not forgiving. Just accepting. And then you begin to feel nothing about it. You become ignorant. And numb. Numbness, to me is more dangerous than hatred. But that's another story in another time to tell...

Being lied to sucks. Big time. No matter how painful a thousand truths are, they still feel gentler to the heart than a single lie. I have learned this the hard way. Too hard maybe. The lies have shaped me into the person I was or probably in certain ways, still. But without those lies and the life experiences I’ve gained from them, I would never have become the person I am today. 

The better me. 

Unforgiven

Unexpected. 
Unwelcome. 
Unwanted. 
Unloved. 

It simply is... 

Unforgivable.

I love you. Goodbye.

Papah & I, taken 2 months ago at RS Harum Medika

So many "if only"s 

And unfulfilled wishes

Too many regrets

And words left unsaid

Not enough memories
And too little time

For once I truly understand why some people wish they 

could turn back the time

For once I really get 

what I had 

But sadly not until it was 

too late

Not until he is gone

Yet I know I am and also will forever be grateful 

Because Allah gave me a last chance to be with him

I held his hands, kissed his cheeks 

Whispered prayers and I love yous to his ears

Until the very end

Goodbye, Papah

Allah loves you too much, He wants you back

I love you too but I love it even more knowing that 

you are now in the most wonderful place

By Allah SWT.'s side

Amin.