Saturday, June 27, 2015

Thinking, Wishing, Praying

I've been thinking lately. Yeah... Surprisingly I've been doing it a lot nowadays :)) I guess that's what you do if you "experience" something like....what I'm experiencing right now. You'll think a lot. About the past. About the present. And the future. At least you try very hard to....

Right now I'm thinking very hard about the past. What I've missed when I was....out...of this world :)) I feel like a lot has been happening. Good and bad. Never mind the good ones because everybody always mention it to me again and again. And I thank everybody for doing it. I'm sure it's because they want to make me happy. And I've been told that happiness is one of the cure to my illness. :) 

Now the bad ones... Hmmm... I feel like people aka family-friends, are hiding some things from me. And the heart never lies. I feel like bad and sad things have happened. Before, while or even after I was sick. I guess it's for my own good. Because I've been told that right now I'm still quite fragile. That I can't be burdened with things that could make me anxious. And sadly I must say it is true... These last couple of days I'm feeling very sad because I just remember that someone who I loved very very much has passed away. It happened 2 years ago but I couldn't remember how it happened. And now that I do, I feel like it just happened....yesterday. And now every time I think about it, I cry and cry and cry.... Actually shedding tears right now...as I type.... And after I'm finish crying, I will have difficulty to sleep. Which is actually not good for my health. 

Now that one is a sad moment that I can actually remember. The most annoying part is that there are some sad/bad things that I still can't remember but they're just *there*. In my guts. I still can't figure it out and nobody would tell me. I guess it's for my own good but still... It's annoying. Especially when I realize that people are talking about it and they would immediately change the subject when I join in. It's like everybody knows something but me. I feel like I'm a little kid who got sent to her room because the adults are going to have grown-ups conversations :)) 

I also have been thinking about the future. What lies in front of me. ....................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Ah... The future... Who knows... I sure don't..... All I know is that I want to get better. That I want to be healthy again. Especially for my baby girl, if not for myself. I want to be healthy again because my girl is too smart to have a sick mother. She needs me to teach her things. Especially about life. I want to be with her when ALLAH SWT. give her the best things a girl could possibly have and to remind her that she should always be thankful for it. I definitely want to be with her when bad moments and people lurk into her life. I want to be able to tell her that it's gonna be okay. That she will always have people who love her to help her to get through the tough times. That bad things happen for a reason and many times it turn out to be a good one. And the thing that motivates me the most to be perfectly healthy again is my desire to be always by my Godsend's side. 

So I can always, always, always tell my cheeky girl 
that I love her. Always. 
Amen.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Dear Friend,


Yesterday a very dear friend asked me how he could make me smile to get through the days. Unthinkable days, as he called it. I asked why he asked in the first place. He said because he couldn’t imagine how hard my days must be. “It is hard, isn’t it?”, he asked. There I was. Being silent for a couple of minutes. Thinking of an answer. 

Finally I said, I don’t know. I’m not sure. How come, how is it possible, he asked again. You're going through something unthinkable, he said. Something that nobody would ever think of having. Well, that’s true, I said. And then I finally came up with an answer. 

I said to my friend, I think somebody once told me that I am not special. That what I’m having right now is not something extra ordinary. Because somebody out there, somewhere, is suffering worse than me. Somebody who lost one of his arms or legs, somebody who couldn’t wake up at all, or somebody who lost his ability to control some parts of his body. And then I said to my friend, compare to those conditions, what I’m having right now is....nothing. 

My friend was upset. He didn’t agree with me and asked me not to think that way. Because what I’m suffering he said, IS something. It IS hard. It IS, for healthy people, unimaginable. I smiled. 

Well............. If he put it that way, yes. It IS hard. But when I think about how many unfortunate people out there who are suffering more than me.... Well.... I guess I’m lucky. Very lucky. 

At least I still have my family and friends. At least I still have the ability to speak up my mind and control most part of my body. At least I still can afford to go to the doctor and get the best treatment possible. At least I still have.......... You.

My friend kept quiet. He didn't say anything. He didn't argue with me anymore. But he said "I still don't agree with you. But as long as you're happy..." And then he smiled. And then I smiled. 

And YOU... Thank you for reading my post. I hope you are here because you care. Or at least curious about how I am doing. See. I am blessed :)


Monday, June 22, 2015

39



Yes, I'm still here. 
Angry. By 
the nothingness.
And the unknown.

Yes, I'm still here. 
Oblivious. To the surrounding. 
To life.

Yes, I'm still here. 
Overwhelmed. With confusion. 
And love. 

Yes, I'm still here. 
Alive. Supposedly well. 
If not better. 




Yes, by ALLAH's will, I think I will still be here. 
Breathing. Praying. Thanking. 

To my ALMIGHTY. 
To my beloved. 
To my friends. 
To my family. 
To you. 


Wednesday, June 17, 2015

That I Would Be Good - Alanis Morrissette


That I would be good even if I did nothing
That I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
That I would be good if I got and stayed sick
That I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

That I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
That I would be great if I was no longer queen
That I would be grand if I was not all knowing

That I would be loved even when I numb myself
That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
That I would be loved even when I was fuming
That I would be good even if I was clingy

That I would be good even if I lost sanity
That I would be good
Whether with or without you

****

Wow... I always loved this song but I never knew that it would be... So............. 
................................................................................................................

Me.



Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Alhamdulillah....

Today I shed some tears again. A lot actually. And I still do. Why? Because I'm beyond happy. I feel so blessed. My long-awaited breakfast session with my girls was already great. But when my lovely friends gave me a 6-days-early birthday surprise, it turned out to be perfect. No, it's not about the present. And yes, of course like always, the present is perfect and very well-thought. Oh I know how the birthday-present-brainstorming is going in this group :)) I can only imagine how funny and super rempong it must have been. But no....


It's the attention my lovely friends are giving me. 
It's the time they've spent thinking about me. 
It's the love they're showering me.

From their thoughts, from their words, from their hearts. 


Thank you so much, my dear, dear friends.
No words can describe how I feel.
But I think the amount of tears I'm shedding right now 
is more meaningful than any word I can ever say.