Monday, July 10, 2017

Rest In Peace, Flappy Boy...

It's a sad, sad day... It was 7pm... Kukka and I, along with Dewi and Ari just arrived home from a half day of shopping spree... And there he was... Flappy, our batcat... Lying stiff in the cage with his eyes half opened... No...! Flappy!!! ;((( Wait... It just occured to me that I haven't write about Flappy at all! 

Flash back to February 10th. Dewi found a cute tiny kitten. Kukka was so happy and begged me to keep him. I instantly fell in love with him too. After we had the permission from Hubster, Kukka named the kitten Flappy, the cute ones with big, flappy, bat-wings kind of ears... We were so happy. Flappy was a very cheerful and playful kitten. He liked to chase us around, bite our hands and fingers and even our legs when we walked. Flappy was not allowed to come inside our house. Hubster didn't allow him to. Whenever he did come inside, Hubster would hold a broom and showed it to Flappy. Then Flappy would run outside the door as fast as he could. But that broom thing only worked with Hubster. As for the rest of us? Flappy didn't care. He wasn't afraid at all. Many times Flappy would just lay on the floor and acting funny instead. He knew that this particular group of people (Kukka, Dewi, Ari and I) would let him play inside the house. Unlike the Man of The House, maybe that what Flappy was thinking... Because yeah... Whenever Hubster wasn't at home, we would let Flappy play inside and even sleep with us! 

I even took a nap on the sofa with him lying on my tummy or on my chest. Kukka also sneaked Flappy inside her bedroom a lot of times. I would find them playing with a bunch of plush toys on the bed. Flappy was a very curious kitten. Whenever there was another cat passing by our house, he looked and sometimes even followed the other cat. Poor Flappy though... The other cats would either run away from him or hissed...

Long story short... On June 30th we went to Lombok for holiday. Because there was nobody who could take care of Flappy while we were gone, we decided to put him in a petshop until we came back... Everything was fine... A vet checked him up first to make sure that he was healthy. He was. He didn't look very happy though. As if he knew that we would have fun without him... I said sorry and promised Flappy that I would pick him up again as soon as we got back home. We didn't... Because Ari and Dewi were still on leave, we decided to pick Flappy up after they came to work again. 

So on July 7th we picked up Flappy from the petshop. Kukka and I were sooo happy!!! All the way home Flappy kept meowing as if he was mumbling something like "Why did you guys leave me at that petshop all by myself??? Why didn't you take me with you?!?!" It was hilarious... We couldn't stop laughing because Flappy's voice sounded angry in a funny way... I kept apologizing to him. I told him we would never leave him again... The second we arrived home, I let Flappy out of his carrier and he ran around the garden, climbed the tree up and down, went in and out of the house and jumping around following Kukka and me, biting our arms, our legs and my butt. Just the way he liked it... 

The next morning around 6am after I took my pills, I checked on Flappy. He was already awake. So I held him in my arms. And like always, he kept biting me and kicking me, which made me laugh outloud. Then I cradled Flappy in my arms and I started to sing Please Forgive Me by Bryan Adams. I said I'm sorry that I had to put him in the petshop and I promised him that would not do it again... I swear Flappy instantly stopped kicking and biting! He just looked me in the eyes and started to purr... He even let me play with his paws! So it was like we were holding hands... That was 3 days ago...

The next morning Flappy was not being himself... He was weak. He didn't finish his food and water... So unlike him... I thought he was just sleepy. But then I saw Flappy walked slowly from under the willow tree into his cage... Then he started to puke in his litterbox... I thought such a good boy! He puked in the litterbox. Not even on the grass! The next day Flappy was missing. But eventually Dewi found him lying near the neighbors' house. He was so weak... And he still didn't want to eat and drink! Even the day after! Which was yesterday... I decided to take Flappy again to another vet. And then came the sad, sad news... Flappy had a virus called Feline Panleukopenia Virus. It's a deadly virus for cats. Most of cats who are infected with this virus won't survive... 

The next thing I did was tell Kukka about Flappy's condition. As predicted she cried and cried. She even blamed me for going to Lombok. Because if we didn't go to Lombok, then we wouldn't have to put Flappy in the petshop... And he wouldn't get sick... Still I had my hopes up... Because Flappy took his medicines and didn't throw up. Dewi also put a lot of water along with the medicines so Flappy wouldn't be dehydrated anymore... But still... He looked weak. That night, while I was drinking my evening coffee, I sat beside Flappy's cage... I was stroking him and told him that I was sorry...When I was crying, Flappy weakly turned his head to me and looked me in the eyes... And then he looked away... I was crying and crying... It was just the two of us... 

This morning, after I had my morning pills, I immediately checked up on Flappy. He was still weak but already moved around his cage. He even meowed loudly when we were getting ready to go out. It was like he called me and begged me to stay? So I played with him first. I even took a picture of him. This one... 
I told him that we would be back soon. But unfortunately not soon enough... I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you, Flappy. Maybe you were meowing... Looking for me when you were in pain... But I wasn't there... 

May you rest in peace, you cute little batcat... 
Just like Kukka said... 
Have fun playing in heaven... 



Saturday, July 08, 2017

Let's Get Lost In Lombok!

Hubster is known for his spontanity. He's been doing it since I first met him in college. And it doesn't end even now, 20 years later. His latest surprise for his wife and daughter is this: sudden trip to Lombok. And that was not all. SiBapa told me to bring Ferry, my little brother, to come along. So then I did every last-minute things like booking tickets and browsing villas in AirBnb. But yes! It was sure worthy :)

Day One

This time SiBapa said we should try Batik Air from Jakarta - Lombok. But I can tell you now it was surely our LAST TIME flying with that particular airline. Why? Long story short we missed our flight. Yes. You read it right. We. Missed. Our. Flight. No. It was not our fault. We were right there in the waiting room, constantly checking the tv to see what our flight was, when we had to enter the gate & when the departure time was going to be, which gate we had to go and everything. We've been traveling half around the world and we never once ever miss a flight. What we noticed from the first time we entered the waiting room was that our flight was delayed. We thought oh okay! Let's just sit and wait calmly, enjoying our time. Time passed by. I started to feel anxious because the flight was delayed too long. Suddenly we heard an announcement that a plane was going to take off... 

And it was OUR FLIGHT!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!??!?!? As we ran to the gate, we practically saw the plane slowly moved and... TOOK OFF!!! Hubs went to find out that IT WAS INDEED OUR PLANE!!! Now, FYI having an...emotional husband always make me the patient one as a couple. But this time???? I WAS PISSED!!!!!!! The only thing that held me back not saying or cursing the airline people with nasty words was because Kukka was right there with us, panicking, crying. Anyways we got a full refund and were able to take the next flight, which was still hours away. This time we paid extra attention to the announcer, who NOW btw was very clear announcing the flight number, gate and boarding time. #rollingeyes Oh and this time Kukka was very nervous, panicking and ran very fast to the airplane. Alhamdulillah we finally sat on our seats and flew off to Lombok...

Aaaaaand the beautiful blue sky and sea of Lombok greeted us in the most beautiful way. But first thing first: we need food! Our car and driver were already there, ready to take us anywhere we like. Including the right places to eat. Mas Gunayang, our driver, said that RM Nada Alam Nyaman was the right restaurant to eat ayam taliwang. It surely was. The restaurant was pretty. We could lay down on the saung/sundanese bamboo hut while waiting for the spicy dishes, which was very delicious AND spicy!!! We ate like crazy and had runny noses because of the spiciness :))) After having our tummies, eyes, backs and feet well-rested, we decided to finally go heading off to the villa: Secret Garden, in Kerandangan - Serendah, Senggigi Beach. I found the villa from AirBnB. It's a beautiful villa with a private pool. It belongs to a nice lady called Ace, who lives in Hong Kong but has a very helpful assistant named Ibu Nyoman. Ace said whenever we needed help or any info at all about anything, just asked Ibu Nyoman. But after all the hustle and trouble we had, all we wanted to do was resting our legs and eyes. So we decided to stay at the villa and saved our energies for tomorrow. Although Kukka and SiBapa DID go swimming until late at night :)) SiBapa went to sleep first, while Kukka was still playing around and I couldn't rest my eyes because Ferry was going out. My big-sister-alarm couldn't be turned off. Not until Ferry finally came back. :))) But finally I did went to sleep... And it was a very good night sleep...zzzz....


Day Two


6 am, Lombok time, Jakarta time, who cares!!!! I was mesmerized by the beautiful blue morning sky!!! It was... Oh mein Gott! It was the perfect day to go to the beach indeed! Which beach??? Probably one of the most beautiful ones... The beach of Gili Trawangan Island!!! Our adventure began with a boat ride. The boat is called Ocean Star Express :)) At first I was kind of worried... Having Kukka with me and all... BUT!!!!! SHE WAS THRILLED!!!! When we took the speed boat ride, Kukka couldn't stop smiling and laughing. And me too!!!! Ferry had to ask me a couple of times "Teh??? Are you okay???" :)))) When I asked him why he kept asking me that, he said it was because my face looked weird... In a "very ecstatic kind of way"!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! Well I was!!!!!! I really enjoyed the boat ride! It was my first time and I loved every bump of it!!! And the beach of Gili Trawangan? Masya ALLAH... And some say that Gili Trawangan island is not the most beautiful one... But... Oh my... It's amazing. You can practically see magnificent shades of blue, starting from the sky to the ocean water, slowly faded to the clean, smooth cream-colored sand. How could you not be thankful to ALLAH, for having the chance to be able to experience such beautiful moments? And that was not all. I was there with the loves of my life. Again. How could I NOT be thankful? :) While Hubster, Kukka & Ferry were swimming, I was having a great me-time. Watching my loved ones having a great time, I saw the sun slowly going down, creating one of the most beautiful moments... Now here's the thing. We actually didn't plan to spend the night in Gili Trawangan. It was supposed to be a full-day excursion. But again, Hubster was being spontaneous & shouted "Le't spend the night here!" :)))) No surprise there, my man :))))) We had luck and found a very nice place called Ambary House Villa. Ibu Nyoman in Secret Garden was kind of...suprised when I called to tell her that we were not coming back that night. She already bought 2 live lobsters and fishes for dinner. Well let's just hope they'll make it until tomorrow ya 'Bu :)) While Kukka and the boys went out to do some shopping, I stayed at the villa all by myself. It was so nice. It was exactly what I wanted and needed. Relaxing and having my mind wandering around, sipping coffee while listening to some reggae songs, which vaguely came from the cafes in the beach. Finally it was time to go to sleep because the next day would be a very busy one. Oh and did I mention that we didn't change our clothes? At all? But we did take a bath! A long one! :))


Day Three

Good morning Gili Trawangan! Can you be even more beautiful that THIS????? Too bad we had to go back to Lombok. Maybe one day we'll be back :) Once we arrived in Lombok, we noticed that the traffic was really bad. The driver said it was Lebaran Topat, a "small" Eid celebrated after 7 days of Syawal. Nice. Another new experience and knowledge :) Today we went souvenir shopping at Sasaku. BFF wanted Dodol Rumput Laut and constantly made sure that I won't forget #rollingeyes Afterwards we went to Aruna Senggigi to chill. Hey! That was why we came here! To chill! :p Although poor SiBapa did have to make some sketches for his latest work. While our Godsend? Well... Let's just say the second she saw water, she jumped right in :))) And didn't get out of it until the sky turned dark. No I'm not making this up. For those who know Kukka will know for sure her love for swimming or basically playing in-with water :))) After enjoying the magnificent sunset on the beach, we headed back to the Secret Garden. Ibu Nyoman and her husband were preparing lobsters and everything else for our dinner. And man!!!! We ate like crazy!!!! :))))) I was too full to start packing because after taking a bath, we all went straight to bed. Tomorrow would be another busy and fun day. 


Day Four

We sadly had to say goodbye to Senggigi Beach and its mesmerizing blue sky. Before heading to the airport we had the chance to check out how Lombok's mall looked like :)) It's called Lombok Epicentrum Mall. What we did there??? Hubster bought Starbucks!!! -_-  Alhamdulillah afterwards we still had time to visit the rice fields, which Kukka quite enjoyed. We also went to Kampung Sasak - Desa Sade. Sade is a traditional Sasak village in Lombok. It's filled with traditional wooden huts and the people's primary activity is weaving. Visiting the village was very interesting. Good thing we a had a tour guide too! One of the most interesting things the guide told us was that the Sasak people cover their floors with cow poop :D :D :D Why????? To prevent them from cracking! And you know what!?!?!? It doesn't smell at all!!!!!!! Seriously!!!! Another interesting thing is about marriage. There are Kawin Lari and Kawin Culik. Kawin Lari or eloping is when the guy and girl like each other and run away to get married. Kawin Culik is when the guy kidnaps the girl, both sides of the families knows/are totally aware of it and many times they are practically neighbors. If the girl doesn't come home until late at night, it means she's been kidnapped *duh*. And days later, some family members from the guy's side will come to the girl's family, give them news that the girl is okay (LOL), aaaand the negotiation of mahar ("payment") begins! Cool, right?!? Too bad I felt like everything went to fast. We had to go to the airport. But before that, Hubster said we still had time to visit Novotel Lombok, our honeymoon place :) 

Somebody was very, very nervous though. Kukka was panicking. She didn't want to be late again. The second the announcer told us that the gate was opened, Kukka walked way in front of us, in a hurry, with a very anxious face. I guess having missed the plane was quite a traumatic event for her :D Her parents and uncle had to walk fast behind her and calming her down that we would be fine. And yes, alhamdulillah. We arrived early in the airport, got inside the plane on time, flew back and landed in Jakarta safe and sound, alhamdulillah :) And that, people, is our Lombok story. Exciting, nerve-racking and super fun! And most importantly, for me personally, I finally had the chance to say that I really do love the blue of Indonesia :)

June 30th - July 3rd
Secret Garden - Serendah Senggigi, Lombok & Ambary Villa - Gili Trawangan.


Saturday, June 24, 2017

Ied Is Coming

Well what do you know… Fasting month is almost over. In 5 hours to be exact (now: 12:50 pm). So it means that tomorrow is Ied, inSha'Allah. The day when families gather together with extra excitement and love fills the air. Unfortunately it’s also the day when unfamiliar faces pop up in front of you and give you awkward hugs and kisses. For some, it’s also the day when you have to answer cringe-worthy questions or comments, such as “Kapan kawin? (When are you going to get married?)" or “Gemukan ya sekarang! (Gaining some weight, have you?)". For me personally, there’s more. No, I’m not talking about my illness. I’m not going to mention how everybody would ask and comment about it as if they really care. It’s about my precious godsend. 

Hubster and I have been blessed with a daughter who has a super cute face and nice features. Ever since she was still a bald baby, Kukka has been showered with compliments. Although she cried like there was no tomorrow :)) But still… Heads were turned, kisses were given and millions of “Aaaaw!"s were said. Heck! Kukka has fans!!! :)) Now the more she’s growing, the more compliments Kukka is getting. And I think Kukka is starting to realize it. Now you see… Here comes the ”problem”. I’ve always…dislike (read: hate) girls who think that they are sooo pretty! Those girls who are too much aware of themselves, especially of their looks. Actually it also goes for boys (or men!). The bottom line is I don’t like people who think that being good-looking make them better than anybody else. Ugh. No way! 

I don’t want my baby girl to grow up to be one of those kids! God forbid. That’s why ever since I could remember, I always give Kukka compliments for being a very caring and very kindhearted girl. Sometimes on her “insecure” days, Kukka would ask me whether I think she’s pretty or not. I have to admit that question makes me feel like I’m a bad and ungrateful mother. Maybe I should praise Kukka more about her looks… Maybe I should give Kukka more compliments everytime she’s all dressed-up whenever we will go out. That’s why lately I’ve been telling Kukka how pretty she looks with her new hairdo or I love the way she mix-and-matches her clothes. 

But afterwards, again and again and again, that along with those physical perks, I tell Kukka that most importantly ALLAH SWT has given her a beautiful heart and a very smart brain. And that is exactly why people love her. Not because she is pretty or because she’s slim and tall. I keep telling Kukka she has a lot of friends because she’s nice, polite and helpful. No matter how difficult she could be, if she does make a mistake, Kukka will apologize (or SiBubu will make her do it! :p). Whenever we come across people how have less, physically or emotionally, I tell Kukka how different our life could be. But look what ALLAH has given us! Good health, comfy home, lots of friends, and most importantly, great love for each other. At the end of the day, I remind Kukka how fortunate her life is and always remember to thank ALLAH for it. Usually after those kind of mother-daughter talk, Kukka will say “I know, Bubu - I understand, Bubu - Yes I will, Bubu.” And most importantly she will hug me tight and say “I love you, Bubu.”


And that, people, 
is how a mother wraps up her day perfectly and the fasting month blissfully. 
Insha'Allah :)


Thursday, June 22, 2017

41


I'm still here. 
Holding on to dear life.
With my beloved families and faithful friends. 
And all the other things that I'm still being blessed with.

I'm still here. 
With not much words to say and share.
Yet my heart is bursting with emotions. 
Stuck until I guess only God knows when. 

I'm still here.
To hold grudges slightly and to forgive greatly.
Accepting the fact that world is not always sunshines and rainbows.
That enemies can turn into families and friends can indeed be enemies.

I'm still here.
Aging yet trying. 
Not only to have less life. 
But to appreciate more and take things less for granted.

41. 
Well, here I come.



Tuesday, June 06, 2017

Doc Rocksy Menjelaskan:

Bola mata sebelah kiri sempat tidak bereaksi terhadap cahaya selama beberapa detik. Meskipun kejang berkurang, kepala dan mata sebelah kiri masih sering sakit/tegang. Rasa dingin-dingin sekujur tubuh, gemetaran dan jantung deg-degan juga masih sering. Terutama kalau stress, kurang istirahat, berada di lingkungan yang tidak diinginkan/tidak nyaman atau karena kejadian yang tidak menyenangkan/trauma teringat kembali. Tegangan listrik di otak menjadi sangat tinggi/korslet. Hal tersebut juga bisa menyebabkan terjadinya deja vu. Masalah deja vu menarik karena pasien betul-betul yakin bahwa momen tersebut sudah terjadi sementara menurut lawan bicara belum. Seperti cenayang :)) Ngotot-ngototan bisa membuat kesal yang pada akhirnya membuat kepala sakit. 

Sayangnya karena tegangan listrik di otak yang tinggi, dosis Kepra harus dinaikkan lagi menjadi 500 mg. Ternyata selama 2.5 bulan ini dosis 250 mg terbukti tidak cukup. 

Memori masih belum bagus. Masih banyak kejadian yang lupa atau tidak mengenali teman/kerabat. Kemampuan mengingat jalan juga masih jelek. Di supermarket masih sering tersesat. Apalagi di tempat yang lebih luas seperti mall. Masih tidak bisa menemukan tempat yang sebelumnya sudah didatangi, meski cuma ditinggal dalam hitungan menit. Misal di restaurant dari meja makan jalan ke restroom mau balik lagi ke meja makan sudah lupa jalannya. Di supermarket dari lorong A ke B lalu mau kembali ke lorong A masih suka tersesat. Jadwal sehari-hari seperti seragam atau aktifitas anak juga masih harus menyontek buku agenda.

Olahraga: pilates paling bagus. Jangan yang high impact. Elliptical training jangan langsung dijalankan selama 30 menit. Harus bertahap, dimulai dengan 5 menit dulu tapi setiap hari. Baru dinaikkan menjadi 10 menit, 15 menit dan seterusnya. 

Monday, May 29, 2017

Dear Kukka: About Religion...

First of all I would like to thank you, baby girl... It's been a long time since my last post. I don't know why but I really didn't have the desire or ideas to write. Not that there wasn't anything interesting going on... I assure you there's a lot! Especially having you and SiBapa by my side :)) Anyways now that "itch" on my fingers and brain is back. Thanks to you. And there's this thing I want to write about.

I can't exactly recall when this all begins but lately you've been asking me a lot of questions about religion. It's quite...surprising because before that you've been asking me a lot about sex. Now? Still but not that much :) First I thought it's because now is fasting month. But then I keep thinking... No. You've been asking me about religion even before the fasting month began. I think it all started because you were so lazy to shalat :)) And once I found out that you were lying to me. You said you already did shalat but I knew for a fact that you hadn't. I warned you not to lie to me again because eventually I would find out (I saw your mukena was still on the same position as before). I told you again that even if I didn't know that you were lying to me, ALLAH SWT would know. You asked me how. I said "Because ALLAH knows about absolutely everything. Before you even have THE INTENTION to lie to me, ALLAH already knows. ALLAH gave you free will, a very smart brain and a very pure heart to make the right decisions. So it's all up to you. Are you going to get points for doing the right things or commit sins for lying and cheating. Your call." You were absolutely in awe :))) Then you asked me about heaven and hell. How heaven looks like and what happens to humans in hell :))))

So yeah... Since then the questions keep on coming. Some made me laugh into tears & some were too difficult to answer. I even asked you for the chance to google first :)) Especially when you ask me about the surahs I read in the Al Quran and the stories about the prophets. I don't know if I ever asked my mom those kind of questions when I was 8 years old. Too bad I can't remember all of your epic questions but some, fortunately I do. Like the ones you asked me in the car today. While laying down on my lap, looking tired and hungry but still with curious eyes, you asked me: "Bubu, why does ALLAH tell us to fast?". I tried to give you a simple explanation. You listened to my explanation and nodded. You also asked me about Hindu, Buddha, Catholic, Protestant, Jesus and "Why does that god look like an elephant?". And after you saw the pictures, you insisted that Hindu's god is a woman. After a while when I thought you were sleeping, you asked "Bubu, if every religion has different god, it means that there's a lot of gods, right? So which god should we believe in? How do you even know that Islam is the right religion?"

I was like... Oh, baby!!! Isn't it too early to ask me these kind of questions??? On an empty stomach too!!! :)) I could even see the big grin Mas Ari had from the rearview mirror! At that time all I could was hugging and kissing you. But after giving you a simple answer, I reminded you again (and again and again) that you could come to me and ask me about ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING. That nothing is off limits between us. And if I don't have the answers yet, please give me time to think and to look for them. You said "Okay, Bubu. I love you. And I know that you love me too..." 

Yes, baby. Because that is what matters the most. And then we kissed and hugged...


Thursday, April 13, 2017

Dream, Dream, Go Away. Never Come Again In Any Other Day.

Have you ever had a dream that is so, so sad, you wake up having actual tears in your eyes? Then you couldn't stop sobbing and panting for quite a while... Not until you finally realized that it was just a dream. A sad one. A very, very sad one.
 
Lately I've been having that kind of a dream. Or should I say a nightmare? I don't know why... Sadly (or luckily?) I couldn't really remember what the dream was. Not always. All I can remember that it always involves me losing someone I love. Once it was about the death of someone who I loved very much and the saddest part is... He is actually already passed away. It was like experiencing the sadness all over again... Another time the nightmare was about me...losing my mom...
 
There is one particular dream that I do remember though. Even to this second. I guess it was THAT scary and sad to me... It was about Kukka. We were in this big and empty building... I held Kukka's hand and we were trying to find out how to get out. The building...or was it an old, creepy house? It looked like a typical old house or abandoned building that you see in horror movies. Anyways... Suddenly, somehow Kukka was gone. When I looked at my side and I looked at my hand, Kukka wasn't there. I wasn't holding her hand anymore. I started to panic. I ran in and out of the rooms inside that big empty building. I screamed and called Kukka's name like million times. Nothing. All I could hear was the echo of my voice, screaming my precious godsend's name. I was out of breath and sweating like crazy... And then I woke up. Crying, sweating, panting, out of breath. For real.
 
The first time I had this kind of nightmare I immediately ran to Kukka's bedroom to check her out. I was so relieved when I saw her still sleeping safe and sound. I hugged Kukka and I started to kiss her until she almost woke up. Then I stopped. I couldn't keep my eyes off of her sweet face. And while doing it I remember that I was still crying... But I guess it was tears of happiness. I was happy that it was just a dream... Well... Happy is not the right word. Because even though it was a dream, it did drain my energy and my emotion. And it's not a very nice thing to feel.
 
Unfortunately that was not the first and the last nightmare I had. As a matter of fact, I just had one this morning. And again, I woke up in tears, still sobbing and panting. Luckily Hubster woke me up and asked me to sit with him on the patio. Just like that I stopped sobbing and woke up like nothing happened. Perfect timing, Schatz :) What was the nightmare about? Luckily I can't remember the detail. But like I said. It was about me losing Kukka. Again.
 
Man, this sucks. Why can't I just dream about something happy? Like... Well I don't know... Traveling around the world? Suddenly speaking 10 languages fluently? Magically being able to make beautiful paintings? Being able to go back and forth to the past to fix the future? Anything! Anything but about me losing my precious godsend. That one dream, I tell 'ya! It really is the one that I wish would never ever come true.