Thursday, April 13, 2017

Dream, Dream, Go Away. Never Come Again In Any Other Day.

Have you ever had a dream that is so, so sad, you wake up having actual tears in your eyes? Then you couldn't stop sobbing and panting for quite a while... Not until you finally realized that it was just a dream. A sad one. A very, very sad one.
Lately I've been having that kind of a dream. Or should I say a nightmare? I don't know why... Sadly (or luckily?) I couldn't really remember what the dream was. Not always. All I can remember that it always involves me losing someone I love. Once it was about the death of someone who I loved very much and the saddest part is... He is actually already passed away. It was like experiencing the sadness all over again... Another time the nightmare was about me...losing my mom...
There is one particular dream that I do remember though. Even to this second. I guess it was THAT scary and sad to me... It was about Kukka. We were in this big and empty building... I held Kukka's hand and we were trying to find out how to get out. The building...or was it an old, creepy house? It looked like a typical old house or abandoned building that you see in horror movies. Anyways... Suddenly, somehow Kukka was gone. When I looked at my side and I looked at my hand, Kukka wasn't there. I wasn't holding her hand anymore. I started to panic. I ran in and out of the rooms inside that big empty building. I screamed and called Kukka's name like million times. Nothing. All I could hear was the echo of my voice, screaming my precious godsend's name. I was out of breath and sweating like crazy... And then I woke up. Crying, sweating, panting, out of breath. For real.
The first time I had this kind of nightmare I immediately ran to Kukka's bedroom to check her out. I was so relieved when I saw her still sleeping safe and sound. I hugged Kukka and I started to kiss her until she almost woke up. Then I stopped. I couldn't keep my eyes off of her sweet face. And while doing it I remember that I was still crying... But I guess it was tears of happiness. I was happy that it was just a dream... Well... Happy is not the right word. Because even though it was a dream, it did drain my energy and my emotion. And it's not a very nice thing to feel.
Unfortunately that was not the first and the last nightmare I had. As a matter of fact, I just had one this morning. And again, I woke up in tears, still sobbing and panting. Luckily Hubster woke me up and asked me to sit with him on the patio. Just like that I stopped sobbing and woke up like nothing happened. Perfect timing, Schatz :) What was the nightmare about? Luckily I can't remember the detail. But like I said. It was about me losing Kukka. Again.
Man, this sucks. Why can't I just dream about something happy? Like... Well I don't know... Traveling around the world? Suddenly speaking 10 languages fluently? Magically being able to make beautiful paintings? Being able to go back and forth to the past to fix the future? Anything! Anything but about me losing my precious godsend. That one dream, I tell 'ya! It really is the one that I wish would never ever come true. 

Monday, April 10, 2017

Doc Rocksy menjelaskan:

Otak adalah bagian tubuh yang paling misterius dan paling complex. Memori yang akan balik lagi sangat acak. Tidak bisa ditebak atau dikira-kira. Memori sebelum-selagi-setelah sakit sebetulnya ada, tersimpan, terkunci di dalam otak. Tapi belum tentu bisa dibuka. Kalau pun terbuka, tidak bisa ditentukan kapan/yang mana yang akan diingat lagi. Sel-sel otak yang rusak dalam waktu setahun ke depan akan recover/regenerating.
Masalah memori: ada yang membaik, ada yang sama saja. Bahkan hasil tes untuk short term memory ada yang masih kurang bagus/sedikit memburuk. Hari, tanggal, bulan dan tahun masih sering mencontek. Sebaliknya, kadang kejadian yang sudah lama, dikira baru saja terjadi atau tidak diingat sama sekali. Mungkin memang ada kejadian-kejadian yang sebaiknya dilupakan? 
Kejang: masih random. Biasanya diawali dengan mual, ingin muntah, mata melotot/blank dan rasa dingin secara mendadak. Terutama yang muncul akibat masalah pikiran. Kejang yang disebabkan oleh cape fisik sudah membaik karena sudah bisa "menakar" kemampuan diri sendiri. Kalau seharian sudah beraktifitas, besoknya sebaiknya istirahat total. Yang masih berbahaya adalah kejang yang disebabkan oleh pikiran. 

Jika tidak terserang kejang dalam waktu setahun ke depan berarti sudah boleh tidak minum obat lagi. Sementara ini obat masih harus dikonsumsi sampai 2018. Terapi Canabis Oil: untuk pasien penderita penyakit Parkinson, yang secara fisik kaku. Bukan yang bermasalah dengan ingatan. Tidak dianjurkan. Kalau menjalani terapi ini nanti justru jadi "terlalu santai", stoned, tidak berusaha mengingat. Padahal justru otak harus terus dilatih. Menulis diary/blog dan membaca buku adalah kegiatan yang sangat bagus. Usahakan jangan mencontek catatan! Sebaiknya lebih sering berkumpul dengan teman dan keluarga yang bisa memberikan masukan positif, jalan-jalan sendirian, kerjakan lagi kegiatan yang dulu sering dan senang dilakukan. Hal ini baik untuk melatih ingatan dan juga mengembalikan kepercayaan diri. Konsultasi dengan psikolog adalah salah satu terapi yang baik.

Analisa pribadi: jangan-jangan kejang muncul lagi justru karena memori semakin membaik? Jadinya teringat kejadian yang tidak menyenangkan/menyedihkan/mengesalkan, yang justru membuat kejang dan sehabis itu jadi lupa lagi. Lah terus jadinya gimana dong???? LOL LOL LOL!!!!! 

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Girl Talk

Okay. Let me breath in for a while. Inhale. Exhale. Okay. People, the time has come when my daughter likes to ask me lots of questions that involves “grown-up stuff”. Yup. My daughter is 8 years old and she has a very curious mind. Being a very, very smart girl that she is, just like her Opa, Aki, Bapa and Ua Eza, it’s actually a no-brainer that she has a lot of questions in that super mind of hers. You see... Lately Kukka and I have been having conversations which she called "our girl talk". It usually starts with "Bubu, I have a question. But don't tell anyone! This is just for you and me. Our girl talk." And then we shake hands. So, you see. The conversations are top secret :) What I can share to you is that my precious girl's questions are difficult ones. Difficult as in... Well... If you're a regular reader of my blog, you'd know that months ago I had to explain to Kukka about animals mating. It was...quite challenging. And hilarious! The convo occurred because of the “drama” that happened between Blob-Blob and Fluffy. Check out my previous posting if you want to know. 

Then there was this one night, during our usual bedtime convo, Kukka asked me questions that made my eyes got wide, my jaws dropped and finally... The questions made me laugh. Yes. I laughed so hard while hugging her. I must confess though. I was hugging Kukka because I was buying some time to figure out what and how to answer her questions. I was and still am not ready for this. I mean... Come on?!?!?!? 8 years old?? I thought I still have 10 more years to have that kind of conversation with her. But apparently not with kids nowadays. Especially with a very smart and super curious child like mine. Objectively speaking of course. #proudmother 

Now... Because of her challenging questions, whenever Kukka gives me a question that I can't answer (right away), I ask her to give me some time. Afterwards I'll be googling like crazy. I'll also ask my closest friends how to explain to Kukka the correct answer, in the most decent and age-appropriate way. Why? Because I don't want to be a parent who just gives an answer without even thinking how it would later impact my kid. The way Kukka thinks, how she behaves, how she treats other people and so on... I believe it depends on how my husband and I show, teach or explain things to her. Kids nowadays are way more curious. I should be grateful that Kukka comes to me and asks me personally whenever she needs/wants an answer or any kind of information. Many kids search for answers by themselves and lots of them are...misinformed. Why and how? Google and cellphones. Yup. I just found out that many kids are allowed to use cellphones...without adult supervision. And on school days too! Kukka? Weekends and holidays only. Youtube kids channels only on certain hours. Instagram: pictures edited and uploaded by SiBubu, messages/chatting read and personally replied by Kukka only on holidays and weekends. Obviously, EVERYTHING, EVERYDAY is under SiBubu's supervision. Strict? Maybe. But I think it's very important and necessary.

Anyways... I use this moment... This phase... As an opportunity to tell Kukka that she can come to me ANYTIME, to talk and to ask me about ANYTHING. Absolutely anything. No limits. That it’s better for her to come to me than to anybody else. And that there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. So does she? Come to me and ask me about stuff since then? Oooooooh you bet she does!!! :)))) Like what? Oh sorry, guys! TOP SECRET. But if I could give you some examples... Last night Kukka asked me what does *this* mean (*middle finger*) and what does the F word mean. I was shocked. Obviously. But I tried to calm down. Then like always, first I asked her where did she see/hear it. She didn't want to tell me (My daughter is not a rat/squeal. Noted.). She just answered "Somebody said it at school. Just somebody. Not to me. Don't worry, Bubu." Later on, after doing some very, very careful thinking and choosing the proper words, I explained it to Kukka. This is just one example. There are so many comments and questions from Kukka that I can't write them down here :) But one last thing that I can share to you is my feelings.

The feeling of being a very, very grateful person. The feeling of being a very, very proud mom. The feeling of being a very, very happy parent. For having the honor to be the mother of such a beautiful, smart and precious human being whom I can call:

Sunday, January 01, 2017

Bring it on, 2017!

As I’m writing this post, it’s already 00:32 in January 1st 2017. I’ve just realized that I didn’t write anything in December 2016. My last posting was November 24th. That’s not good. Not for me. It’s like I’m losing the only thing that I love to do, which is writing/blogging. I’m not sure why. It’s not like that nothing interesting is happening. But if you ask me now “What-Where-Why-Who-How”... Mmm... I can’t answer it. I have to cheat first by checking out my twitter, instagram and path accounts. #LOL. But what I do remember is that...

My health is getting steadier if not better. Partly because my awesome doctor has figured it out why and when I would get seizures. So yes, my seizure is now “controllable”. And also my appetite. The new pills don’t make me want to eat like every second. All I have to do is taking my pills on time, get enough rest and no stress. Yes. The last part sounds awfully cliché. But it’s true. Because as far as I can remember, the second I worry or overthink about something, my body starts to shiver, my hands shaking and that annoying nausea starts to attack my tummy. And don’t get me started with that awful and strange headache. It’s not just about the pain. It’s that disturbing...feeling of being there and nowhere. You can’t make up your mind what to think, where to be or what to say. You know those swirly scenes in the movies when a person falls into a limbo? When a person just kind of floats around in the middle of nowhere, along with lots of stuff like chairs, tables, books, cats, glasses etc? Yup. That’s how it feels like. No matter how hard you want it to stop, no matter how much you want to...”land”, you can’t. That’s how it feels like. But yes. Now I can control it much better than before.

Besides getting much needed rest, I also try not to give a lot of shit about things that are...shitty anymore :)) I’m trying. But like I said many times before. This illness of mine is some kind of a hidden blessing. Why? Because there are a lot of shitty, sad and awful things that I don’t/can’t remember!!! So yes. It’s not that I don’t want to think about it. It’s because I CAN’T!!! #LMAO Now if that is not a blessing, I don’t know what that is. Hmmm... What else? Oh yeah! I just remember that on January 2016 I did blog about making resolutions! Okay let me check them out. Oh and please do notice that striking one resolution out doesn’t mean that I did it and then stop doing it. It could mean that I already did it and I have to keep doing it and be even better. So let’s see:


Make it happen.
Write every day!!!

Be brave. Speak up.
Judge less, help more.
Spend time with Kukka.
Shit happens. So what!??!
Accept my flaws. And others.
Listen to my body, soul and heart.

Meet my friends in real life more often.
Make lots of phone calls. Use less chat apps.
Embrace my old self. Yes. The fun part that is.
Do whatever makes me happy. Yup! WHATEVER.
Do crazy things sometimes, or often, IS necessary.
If shit happens, sit back and relax. Let life do its magic.
Make new friends, stay in contact with old ones and maintain.
Haters can kiss my ass. Lovers do come, let’s smooch and hug.
Never lie to my daughter. Teach her to accept the truth instead.

Read, remember, read again, recall and actually do all the #frikis2016, which now changes into #frikis2017

Any changes? Anything new to add? Hmm... Let me see...

Dress up!
Be more confident.
Cook (almost) every day.
More girl talk with Kukka!!!
Lose weight!!! At least 10 kilos!!!
Embrace my old self but less crazy!!!
Talk to Kukka in Bahasa Indonesia & German.
Don’t push myself too hard to remember the past.
Create better, healthier and more awesome future instead!!! 


Thursday, November 24, 2016

What’s Your Story?

There’s a saying that there’s a story behind every person. That there is a reason why a person is the way he or she is. Do you agree? I mean, can’t a person be just the way she has always been? Because she is just born that way?

For example this woman, who... Oh I don’t know... Laughing (too) loud in a crowd... Dressing up too much, too weird, too short, too tight, too bright, too gloomy, too sexy... Or being disturbingly flirty to the men who are already taken or basically to everybody. Why does she constantly seek attention from others? What is her reason to be a cheater? Is it because she doesn’t or never get enough affection from the person who supposed to love her? Like her parents? Her husband? Her children? Her friends? Anybody?

Or a man who keeps sending lame jokes, inappropriate pictures or whatever to chat groups like almost all the time. Out of the blue!!! Is this man trying to prove to others that he’s the funniest, the coolest or whatever? Could it be that it’s because he doesn’t get enough attention? Or is he waiting for recognition from anybody at all? Why? Because he is THAT lonely? He feels THAT unappreciated? So he’s looking for it from the replies of the people in the group, RANDOMLY?

There’s this person I know who is always trying to look tough by talking, behaving and looking “rough”. Why does he have to be like that? Turns out it’s because all his life he has to be the “protector” of his family. Because his father is long gone, he has to be “the man” of the house. He couldn’t afford to look soft. Although deep inside he is a cry baby. That's his story.

Then again... It doesn’t always have to be bad things that are happening. It could also be good ones. Like... There’s this another guy I know. All his life he’s done good things. To his family, to his friends, to anybody that he met for all I know. Why is he being so nice? What is his story? Unfortunately I don’t remember much but I do remember that his early life was tough and his mother is his hero. She taught him to be nice, work hard and do good things. He listened. And now he has a good life. The kind of life that he deserves. 

So... Is there always a story behind somebody’s action? I’m wondering because lately there are lots of incidents that I just can’t understand why they are happening in the first place. How could it happened and why? How could anyone do this? Why did she do it? Is it something that she has done before? What is the reason for her to do this and that? Is it some kind of a punishment? Or even a reward????  

Anyways, how is your story doing so far? In what chapter are you now? The exciting one? The sad one? The boring one? Me? As my friend, you would know that I'm currently in my mind-blowing episode. Pun intended! :)) Well... Whichever chapter you are now, I wish that your story is going great, has more seasons than Game of Thrones and it will have a very happy and blissful ending. Amen. :)


Sunday, October 23, 2016


Yesterday was Saturday. It was a very nice day. I woke up in a good shape and in a good mood. Probably because after I took my morning pills, it was easy for me to go back to sleep again. Hence the good mood and fresh feeling. So fresh I decided to start cooking not long after I woke up. The menu was Homemade Carrot Cheese and Chicken Nuggets! Yes. Homemade. It was fun to make and turned out to be quite delicious. How do I know the nuggets were delicious? Because my precious Godsend ate 12 of them in 1 go. Yes. 12. And the nuggets were quite big. Bigger than the ones you find in the supermarkets. Watching Kukka eating my homemade nuggets amazed me. And happy, of course. The tiredness from doing those cutting, chopping, shaping and everything just paid off. And of course, she finished the veggies too. While keeping her company during lunch, I asked Kukka what she wanted to do or where to go today. With a big grin she answered “PIM!”. Specifically. I asked why PIM. She just answered “Because I want to.” Okay. :))

So yes, we went to PIM. Just the two of us because SiBapa had to go to work. When we arrived in PIM, as predicted, it was... F U L L. I was like “Ugh...!”. I really wanted to be somewhere else. Anywhere else but PIM. On Saturday. But I saw Kukka’s happy face. She was so happy and looked very excited. She held my hands and led me the way. Of course. Toys City. The toy store was so crowded and loud. Along the way I reminded Kukka that she was not allowed to buy anymore toys because she already bought a giant Shark and a bunny from Ikea the day before. She just nodded but still she practically dragged me to a specific section in the toy store. And there they were. Pokemon cards. I was like WHAT??????? I asked “So you want to go to PIM just because of these cards???? You want me to buy you these cards????” Kukka picked one pack of cards and with her super cute face and super sweet voice she begged “Please, Bubu... Can I buy this one? Pleeeeeeeeeease??? All of my friends have Pokemon cards. I’m the only one who don’t have them. So when they talk about the cards, I can’t join them and I don’t understand. Because I don’t have the cards. So pleeeeeeease can I just have this one???? Please please please? It’s just one pack and it’s the small one. Not the big one. The mba said it costs 55.000. Pleeeeeeeeeeease? I will be very happy if you buy me one.”

Now. Tell me how a mother could resist such a sweet and polite request from her super cute angelic-looking daughter? And she had a reason too. A good but quite saddening reason. I didn’t know that peer pressure already comes at this stage, 3rd grade. So yes, I bought her a small pack of Pokemon cards. Kukka was very, very happy. I could see the happiness and excitement on her face more than that day when her Bapa bought her a bicycle :)) Afterwards we went to have dinner. Like always, she picked a Japanese restaurant. The restaurant was so full but we were lucky. There was a table for two. While waiting for our dinner to come, Kukka opened the cards and explained them to me one-by-one. To be honest, I didn’t understand it at all. But I went along and asked her questions about them. Then while we were having our dinner, we had our usual girl talk. I asked Kukka if she and her beloved Bapa have secrets that I don’t know about. She answered yes. I said good. It means that she and I could have our secrets too that Bapa doesn’t have to know about. She said yes and we laughed so loud and gave each other a high-five.

While we were having dinner, I had the chance to look around and see the people at the other tables. One thing I’ve noticed and it made me sad... I’ve noticed that maybe 95% of the guests at this restaurant were holding and concentrating on their cellphones. Most of the guests were families. Some with small kids, some with big ones. Some were probably husbands and wives, some maybe lovers. Almost all of them were so busy with their cellphones instead of talking to each other. Right next to our table there were a teenage girl and her mom. Both were busy with their cellphones. And because our tables were so close, I could practically see that they were chatting. Obviously not with each other. The mother who sat close to me? She was chatting via Whats app. Yes. The seats were THAT close. But not close enough for me to be able to read what she was typing :)) And then suddenly I felt so sad...

So this is what we have become... Instead of spending a nice time together, looking eye-to-eye, having coffee, sharing secrets and slices of cakes, people are having conversations with somebody who isn’t there AND ignoring the one who sits right in front of them. Nowadays lots of people would rather talk with others using chat apps instead with the ones who are actually sitting next to them. Or even worse, many use their cellphones to play games instead of having conversations... I don’t know... Maybe I’m thinking too much about it. Maybe deep down inside I AM an old soul, who would rather snuggle under a blanket together in silence than exchanging love messages via cellphones. I’d choose walking hand in hand anywhere over sending selfies from everywhere.

I don’t know... I’m just sad. Really sad and worried. They say you don't know what you've got until it's gone. Well... I think you know exactly what you have. You just think that you'll never ever going to lose it...

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Dear Kukka: Have fun!

So... I'm writing this after we finally got to talk over the phone, baby girl. For your information I've been waiting for that phone call since... Well... Since you got inside and sit on the bus this morning!

Yes, Kukka... I'm starting to miss and worry about you since the last time we waved goodbye to each other this morning. I still can picture your face on the bus window. I know you were excited to go camping with your friends and teachers. But somehow I also saw that sad-worry expression on your face. And your questions from last night? I remember them very well. Last night our pillow talk was more into QA session. You said "I'm so sad I'm going to leave you. What if you get a seizure and Bapa is not home yet? You're all alone at home..."

What have I done to deserve you? Such a loving and caring daughter. Maybe you can't understand this right now but someday... When you're older, when you have a family of your own, when you have children of your own, you'll understand. You will understand my feelings right now. They're all mixed up. I'm proud, I'm amazed, I'm happy and yes, I'm sad. I'm sad that you have to worry about me that much. I'm sad that you have to think about the bad "What if"s about me. I'm sad to see your worried face when you hugged me and said "Don't have a seizure!" before getting into the bus. I'm sad to hear your first question over the phone was "Are you okay, Bubu?" 

Alhamdulillah I've managed to assure you that I am okay. That you shouldn't worry about me. Yes, after dropping you off at school I did have a minor episode but I also took a very long and much needed nap. So now I am fine. Really! And you made me really happy when you finally started to tell me about your day so far. You said "I'm okay! I miss you too but I'm having so much fun! I'm catching animals and stuff! I catch worms, grasshoppers, fishes and stuff! I miss you, Bubu! Bye!"

3 minutes. Yes, the connection was bad but from your voice I could hear that you were not that interested in talking to me too long #LOL I totally understand, baby! I can't wait until tomorrow so I can shower you with hugs and kisses again until you say "Stop it, Bubu! Okay, that's enough!"I'm sure you have tons of fun right now and I'm so happy to know it. The latest photo I received is you and your friends were sitting by the bonfire, wearing raincoats and singing. So I guess it was...raining? And just now your teacher just informed the parents that you and your friends are already in your tents and ready to go to sleep. 

Well, good night, my precious Godsend... Sweet dreams. We'll see each other again tomorrow, okay? Kisses.